Delusions
by MorePhine
Summary: Perhaps they were never supposed to be together, not even as friends. That's what Phantasia Skye believed to be the truth about her relationship with her childhood friend, Jordan Maron. CaptainSparklez x OC.. ish
1. Nice to Meet You

_A/N: This is a fanfiction about Captainsparklez, even though it may not seem like it right now. It is my first fic so please, constructive critisism is encouraged but don't rip me to shreads, please?_

_Chapter One._

I sit at my regular spot on the playground, against the fence on a wooden plank that the school so generously never takes away. It's in the sun in both the recesses so I have nice lighting to read my book. I pull out one of my favourites, Richard Dawkins "The God Delusion" and start reading from chapter four. I don't know why I like it so much, perhaps it's the fact he's so frank in his writing, or perhaps it's something completely different. I don't really know, nor do I really care though.

"Please don't block out the sun," I mumbled to what I thought was myself regarding what I thought was a cloud.

"S-sorry… uh, really sorry…"

"Huh? OH um, it's no problem," I stumbled, "I thought it was a cloud so I was just muttering to myself, no need to apologize."

"Oh uh, yeah, sure I guess. Um, my name's Jordan, Jordan Maron. Nice to meet you," he responded smiling kind of shyly

"I know, you're in my class remember? We've been in the same class for 5 months now."

"Whaa-? Oh um, I uh-" I see him biting his lip so hard, it looks like it's going to start bleeding, "it's just that you're reading such a big book, and you don't talk much to our grade so I assumed you were older. How come I've never seen you in class?"

Am I actually that secluded? I've talked to people in my class, right? Err…

"I'm there alright. Ask Mrs. Averkelly she hates me. Anyways, my name's Phantasia Skye, with a P-H and an E at the end of 'Skye'. You can call my Phanty, that's what everyone calls me. I know it's a weird name," I introduce while motioning for him to sit down with me.

To be quite honest he wasn't all that bad looking. He has brown hair and brown eyes, small, very subtle dimples, and from what I could tell, something kind of resembling a laugh line starting to take shape. He occasionally stutters as if he wasn't that sure of himself, and pretty smart for our age, even coming from me.

"So are you like a genius or something?" he asks.

"Huh?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Err, I was analyzing how unnatural the soil composition in this area is, in comparison to the general region of L.A." Yeah. Phanty. Nice job. He looks very confused, "well regarding your question, no, I'm not a genius."

"What are you talking about, Phanty? You're reading a book that says, "de-luh- um de-luh-ss-e-on. Deluhsseon?" Poor guy.

"It's pronounced delusion. De-lu-shion. It means an ides that someone believes in completely, except it doesn't make any sense. Like, believing in fairies or something like that," I try to explain as simply as possible.

"God, then. He's a delusion?" he asks me, wide eyed. I cringe, "don't worry I'm not religious or anything, some of my relatives are though."

"I don't know. Only a genius would know that, and I told you, I'm not a genius"

"I see, close enough though" he got up and only then did I realize the bell was ringing

"Come on Phanty, recess is over" Jordan says while pulling me up.

_Close enough, huh._

Class was boring as usual. Mrs. Averkelly's voice droned on, as usual, while watching the other kids do "work" like using blocks to show numbers.

"Ms. Skye, if you are so insistent on not joining the class utilize blocks to represent numbers for visualization, perhaps you would like to demonstrate your knowledge on the board for us," she chimed using that terrible falsetto voice of hers while trying to sound smart. God she annoys me.

I got up and solved the question with ease, although the rest of the class did look pretty confused. Why must school be so boring?

"Ms. Skye," Mrs. Averkelly looks furious, "go around and help the others if you're so proud of your abilities."

"Yay," I think while she directs me to a boy picking his nose. What happened to around the class?

"Actually, Mrs. Averkelly, I was having trouble with the blocks," I hear from the other side of the room. JORDAN? THANK YOU.

"Well, Ms. Skye, I suppose you could go help Mr. Maron."

I walked over to him happily. He was giving me that you-owe-me-one look.

"You don't need help, do you?" I laughed.

"Well you see, I'm having trouble representing numbers with blocks for visualization," he beamed, "anyways, I've been meaning to ask you something, though it's kind of random though."

"What?"

"Well—"

"Whhaatt?"

"Do you like Pokémon?"

"Yea," I beamed, "I do"


	2. I'll Be By Your Side

_A/N: Okay, again, kind of a slow chapter, it gets good the next one though. There's swearing, if you're not okay with that, well, ok. I try not to put a lot of speech but yeah, didn't work out. Again constructive critism is invited but please no hating. _

_Chapter Two_

"Phanty!" my mom calls out from downstairs, "your boyfriend's here!"

_Shit mom. Really?_ He isn't my fucking boyfriend, what's wrong with her? I reach for my comb to straighten my part for him – no – a guest, because that's the courteous thing to do, always look nice for the guest. Jordan is there, staring at me from the bottom of the staircase, stifling laughter and somehow simultaneously giving me that annoying smug look of his.

"MOM, HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Well hey, not my fault you spend literally everyday with him, it gets lonely around here by myself you know," she winks and throws me my Burberry wallet.

"干嘛?" I yell at her, and she just gives me that "meh" look that parents always seem to give children, "yeah. Thanks"

We board to the skatepark, him beating me, again. He's always been a better skateboarder than me, but I get to take the throne in pretty much everything else, including snowboarding, and modesty. Ok, maybe not modesty. Fuck, ok, probably not modesty.

Just as I was contemplating all of my oh-so-very important issues, someone pushes into me, hard, and I feel my head getting knocked into one of the metal rails beside the ramp I was trying to get perfect

"HEY what's your fucking problem?" I yell at the figure standing in front of me.

"Bitches like you don't belong in the skatepark, especially fucking chinks who are only good for math, dumplings, and making our shit, am-I-right?" he taunts while looking at Jordan waiting for him to agree.

Jordan looks astounded and I think more insulted than I am, "Phanty, is much cooler than you will ever be."

"Oh? So are you like her boyfriend or something? Lemme ask you a question then, how is she in bed?" he asks, smirking.

"First of all, she's not my girlfriend, we're simply friends, always have been, always will be. Second of all, you are the most disrespectful asshole I have ever met," oh shit, okay, he swore, he's mad. Really mad.

"Jordan, stop, he's not worth it," I yell as I run toward him over the loud pounding of the wooden ground. I know wood vibrates and creates a loud echo, but I don't remember it being this loud, "seriously, Jordan!"

He looks at me for a second, looks back to the mysterious douchebag in front of him, and closes his eyes as if thinking, then, a solid uppercut to the chin. The man reels back in awe. This is when I pull him away and we ride to I-don't-even-know-where.

"You're crazy, you retard," I yell in between laughter and gasping for air when we finally stopped. I would be lying, though, if I said I didn't enjoy that scene.

"You're welcome for that uppercut," he gleamed, "anyways, where the hell are we?"

"Hmm, seems to be an extension of the park we were just in, a river. From the positioning of the buildings in town I say we're around 900 meters west of where we originally started from," I explained

"You're usually right, or always, so I'll believe you. Just this once though."

We looked around at the new scenery. How have we not been here before? I mean we almost literally – almost – came to this park every weekend, so how have we not seen such a beautiful place? There were beautiful trees with strikingly green leaves and grass that felt softer than, I'm not even joking, cotton. There was a bank with running clear water connected to a small rushing waterfall, and a nice rock that was perfect to sit on.

"Jordan, did you mean what you said back there?" I asked.

"What? About what?"

"About us being friends, always."

"Of course I meant it. We were friends ever since that day where I blocked out your sun at recess, what's a better bond than that? And frankly all the times where you tried to explain what a glitch was to me, years ago, and me not getting it. They're all memories I'm going to cherish forever, no matter what. So even if we do somehow get separated, even if God or whatever could be so cruel, you'll be my greatest friend, because what could be more permanent than the person I grew up with? You'll always be there."

"Stop being all sentimental, it's awkward." I say, probably bright as a tomato.

"Sorry," he says with a gleam of laughter.

And with that we spend the rest of the day talking, about everything and everyone and all the crazy things that somehow pops into his mind, and mine. After not really long, we forget all about the crazy encounter, the racist bastard, and we just enjoy the moment.


	3. There is No Tragedy like Us

_A/N: This chapter is…..explicit, to say the least. If you're not okay with that, don't read it. You have been warned. —__**NSFW**__—_

_Chapter Three_

"Congratulations Phanty!" I scream and run toward her, diploma in hand

"Thanks, I suppose," she responds

"What are you talking about 'I suppose' you literally graduated at the top of the class as our esteemed valedictorian. By the way, your speech was actually so amazing," I reply astounded by how little she seems to care.

"I didn't get a PhD, Jordan, I graduated highschool," she notes.

"Whatever, we should celebrate though. There's a party that everyone's invit—"

"No," she interrupts, "Jordan, you should know, it's not that I don't like parties or anything it's just that… You should go, though. You're pretty popular amongst everyone, and Brenda was all over you from what I could tell at Prom."

"Nah, I wanna celebrate the end of highschool together, with you. I mean, you are leaving Santa Barbara and…" I trail off, "anyways there's this Japanese place that just opened downtown. I know you like sushi, and its got pretty good reviews."

She looks around like she's looking for something and after what looks like deliberation answers, "Fine, but only because I like food, not because of you," and winks.

We took a taxi for about 20 minutes into town where we spent most of the day walking around and looking at stores. Phanty didn't actually want anything, although neither did I, so we spent more time in Starbucks than any actual store.

"You know, when you said there was a Japanese place in town, I thought you meant for lunch, not dinner," she speculated as we were walking to the new restaurant

"Hey, not my fault you weren't smart enough to ask," I taunted back

"EXCUSE ME! I was not born with an IQ of 173 to be called stupid by you," she scoffed as we walked into the Teppanyaki Mansion.

It was a peaceful restaurant. A pool of water greeted guests with a small fountain in the middle with koi fish swimming in it. There is an area where chefs prepared their food in front of the guests with displays of fire and flaming onions. Yeah, we didn't go there.

"All this was inspired by China you know," she remarks to me softly, "the whole Japanese culture I mean."

"Because that's not bias speaking," I reply while she scoffed and looked away, smirking.

The restaurant had good food. The sushi and sashimi were freshly prepared, clearly by the hands of a professional, the BBQ pork rib was nice, although a bit overdone if you asked me.

"It's kinda cold out here," Phanty remarked as we walk out.

"Yeah, the sun went down an hour ago, I presume. Here take my coat," I replied as I hand over my suit coat when suddenly a cold hand grips my arms and a smell of chemical—what I presume to be chloroform—is muffled over my face

The next think I know I'm sitting in a dark alleyway. I try to move but I realize my hands are bound and my legs are secured with heavy chains.

"Even if you weren't bound I don't suppose you should move," I hear from a man with a gruff low voice pointing a gun at me.

"Where the fuck am I? Where's Phanty?!"

"Oh you'll see you're little friend soon enough."

"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE WITH PHANTY?"

"Oh look at that timing, there she is right now," he says pointing to a bounded, gagged and what looks like, whipped girl.

"PHANTY!" I scream and struggle at the rope tied around my wrists, "god-fucking-dammit."

"Scream all you'd like, it'll only make this even more enjoyable."

At this point three men have surrounded Phanty in a way that has her completely trapped but still lets me have a perfect view of what's going on.

"You wear very short-shorts my dear princess," the man said while pulling off her shorts revealing her panties underneath while placing a hard kiss on her lips. Oh God. Oh fucking God. No.

"S-stop," I hear faintly in the middle of gasps and sobs, "p-please stop… P-please. G-God… Help… me, p-please"

A second man proceeds to rip off her now muddy shirt to reveal bare skin with what looks like fresh red whip marks across her whole backside. He then violently takes off his pants to reveal his bear skin underneath.

"Take it. All of it," he orders Phanty who is not drenched in mud and tears, "NOW."

"PHANTY! PHANTY PLEASE GOD FUCKING NO." I don't think she heard me, and even if she did, it didn't register at all.

Beside me I hear a gun cock, "Sure go ahead and yell. Nobody's gunna hear yah."

By now she already had someone else completely inside her mouth and the other two men violently pulling off her underwear, exposing her entirely. They proceeded to take off their pants and… oh God. I turn away. I can't watch this. Phanty. Oh God. I hear muffled screams and sobs from my best friend, and laughter and grunting from the three people surrounding her. Violating her. I swear I hear flesh rip, scratch that, I know I hear flesh rip.

After what feels like an eternity, they simultaneously let their dirty selves out completely out on top of my best friend, on her broken body.

"That was nice, wasn't it boy?" I hear one of the assholes shout at me, "bet'chu wish you were part of it."

Nothing. I do nothing. I can't do anything else.

The four men get up and walk away clearly enjoying themselves and laughing at what had just happened. Rot in hell you animals, you monsters, you bastards. I crawl over, chains dragging behind me, to my best friend lying, shivering, in a concoction of what looks like, blood, tears and lots of semen. The look in her eyes has no emotion. No anger, spark, light, nothing, completely empty, and completely defeated.

"P-Phanty?"

"D-delusion. T-this is a delusion. Not….. Reality….."

I reach over to touch her. She flinches, and pulls away.

"T-tell me…. T-this… Is…. A… D-delusion…. Right? Nightmare…. N-not r-reality."

"Yeah, you're right," I reply, "This isn't real. This is… a delusion. A hallucination. A nightmare."


	4. Different Person

A/N: Chapter four of my fic. Definitely not as dark as the other chapter but still very… implicit (?) if that's the right word.

_Chapter Four_

"Alright, what's going on dude's?" I hear playing from Theresa, my roommate's, MacBook, the minute I walk in my room.

"Theresa Come. On. You're not even at the fucking computer, can't you just leave the poor thing alone?"

"Ariadne, stop complaining and enjoy the voice of the most beautiful guy in the world," Theresa says while walking out in a green top Abercrombie lacy tank top and jean shorts, with her hair completely done and makeup perfect.

"Why the hell are you all dressed up? Are you seriously going out on another date?"

"No, and if you would just listen to me sometimes, you'd know that FREAKING CAPTAINSPARKLEZ IS AT OUR SCHOOL TONIGHT," I stare at her, "seriously. If you'd listen to the next part of that video, you would know."

I walk over to Theresa's computer and press play of the video on the monitor, "Anyways, as most of you guys know, I'm doing a tour around the country promoting the gaming industry and the new perspectives of online commentaries, basically YouTube's paying me to travel around the country. I'm not complaining, at all. The lists of the colleges and universities I'm going to visit and dates are in the description. I'll also be doin' various meet—" I hit pause and click the link to the schedule, and a list pops up. I hit cmd-f and type in M.I.T. where I find the line easily. April 24th is the date I see corresponding to our school. I look at the top right-hand corner and sure enough, April 24th. Great.

"So you gunna come? It's at the Kresge," Theresa asked, "admission's only 39 bucks, and frankly bitch, I know you can afford it."

"Nah, I have a paper for Prof. Blankschtein due in a couple of hours. Need to revise for a while, might catch up with you after though, for a late night snack."

"You and your freaking interest in thermodynamics and statistical mechanics. Whatever, there's a party after the presentation where apparently Jordan is gunna be. Don't wait up for me," Theresa replies while walking out the door.

As soon as I hear the door shut behind me I walk over to my workspace. I wasn't lying about that paper, but I was done that thing for a while now. I open up the file for one last look through. Yeah, of course. None of the words were processing into my brain now knowing Jordan Maron was on my campus. Him.

I feel across my body for scars, first the ones that weren't intentional. Four large, neat slashes on the back and then the ones I carved into my flesh myself. For some reason I walk to the mirror.

_Go look for him. You know you want to._

_"_W-who's there."

_Me, silly. Go find him. You know where he is….. Phanty._

"M-my name is Ariadne… Ariadne Zhang. Get it right, whoever you are."

_You can change your name all you'd like and take your mother's maiden name, but we both know who you are, you filthy piece of trash. Go find him._

I realize I'm walking when I get out the door. My cerebellum doesn't seem to be listening to me when I tell it to stop moving my legs and walk back to the dorm. I walk to the familiar auditorium where I listened to Neil deGrasse Tyson's lecture on astrophysics and his ideas on the work of Carl Sagan. Sure it wasn't anywhere near my field, by it was very interesting none-the-less. From the lack of people in line in front of Kresge, I supposed that the lecture…? The presentation…? The whatever-he-called-it had already begun a while ago. I easily sneak past the sleep-deprived security guard and into the back of the familiar auditorium.

"My bestfriends and I: Mark- Allshamnowow, Nick- Nfen, and Adam- Seananners," I hear Jordan— CaptainSparklez — say as I sneak into the auditorium, "are all close, even though we are technically 'competitors' in the whole schzam"

He looks a lot more confident than what I remember of Jordan Maron, I notice, after listening to his presentation and what seems like a parody of Viva la Vida. As I leave to go legitimately buy tickets for the show, I realize the flourescent lighting from the hallway must have startled him as he looked up in my direction. Even from that distance, and bad lighting in the auditorium, I could see a spark of recognition in his eyes.

_He doesn't care about you. He found new friends, a new life. Like he would care for a dirtied, sullied thing like you. Phaaanntttyy~~_

I run away, as fast as I can.


	5. You are You

_A/N: Breakdown Time._

_Chapter Five_

I knock on the door of the "Baker House." Building W17, room 318. I know I saw her in the auditorium, I know I saw that girl. I found her roommate at the "party", completely drunk. Theresa I believe was her name. This is the dorm in which she directed me to, of course, not after some confusion. Ariadne, huh, I had a feeling she'd change her name. The door slowly opens, revealing a tall, skinny girl with black wavy hair down to her waist, tanned skin—darker than I remember— and strikingly black eyes. She's dressed in a Hollister t-shirt and sweatpants.

"Can I come in?" I ask her

"Who are you?"

"Phanty… Please, you know who I am," I plead.

"That's not my name. Please leave at once, stranger." For some reason that last "stranger" sounded like she was reassuring herself, and not me.

"Please let me in."

She frowns then complies at my stubbornness and steps aside to let me in her room. It has two workspaces, presumably one for her and one for Theresa. A T.V. and couch are set up adjacent to the office with a balcony attached. Across this setup, there is a kitchen and two small bedrooms.

"Phanty, you left without a word or a trace after…"

"My name is not 'Phanty' my name is Ariadne. I do not understand why you keep on referring me as 'Phanty'"

"Alright, _Ariadne_, you left your bestfriend without a word, absolutely nothing… Why?"

"I did not—"

"Bullshit. You didn't forget anything. I am not leaving without the truth. Why did you leave me?" I assert, "Do those scars mean nothing to you? I don't remember you being that selfish. You weren't the only one that left that scene, with scars."

She looks at me, then down, and whispers, "These scars were from my abusive, alcoholic, father…"

"Is that the story you go with? You can fool everyone, authorities, friends, whoever you'd like. You can't fool me though, you can't fool your bestfriend."

"You quickly found new ones didn't you? What was it? Mark, Nick, Adam? Any of these names ring a bell? They should."

"Th-That doesn't mea—"

"YES IT DOES," she raises her voice then lowers it, "you forgot about the trash that was your past, and with good reason. I'm nothing, I'm filth, garbage to be thrown out."

"You're lying, you don't believe that."

"Whether or not I believe it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not it is the truth. People may not believe the theory of evolution, but that doesn't make it any less of a fact. People may not believe that America is silently falling from a global superpower, but it is still the truth none-the-less. There are many things that people don't believe, but are still true."

"Delusions."

"Yes, delusions."

There was deafening silence for a couple of minutes.

"In that case, you live in a delusion yourself, a world that you made up; a life, a history that never existed. Fragile, and flimsy like a piece of paper blowing in the wind, or a sandcastle waiting to be destroyed by the overwhelming tide, engulfing it. You cling onto the hopeless case of 'if I fool enough people, perhaps I can fool myself. Perhaps my lie, can somehow become a reality.' But the truth is, and you know this perfectly well, no matter how you run, how you try to hide from the past, it's always there. Your lies will catch up to you, and your fantasy, your delusion, will come crumbling down to pieces," I say while walking up to her. Touching the scars on her back then slowly putting my hands on her waist. My voice is soft, low, like a whisper, "Phanty."

I place a kiss on her lips and she immediately jerks back, and shoves hard, pushing me into the kitchen countertop. I can almost see fumes of anger emitting from her, "Wasn't it YOU who told me that this was all a delusion, a hallucination, A NIGHTMARE. Wasn't it YOU who led me to believe that this wasn't real? Why can't you see I'm happy running? I don't need to be brave, I don't need to be strong; I just need a new life. Can't you see that I can't take it? Every time someone touches me I can't think of anything but that night. I can't think of anything but the terrible touch of a stranger on the street. I can't!" By now she's trembling and I can't think, dumbfounded by her reaction, albeit not unexpected, "If I keep running, everyday. I'll make it to somewhere, somewhere far away, away from Santa Barbara, away from my memories, but most of all, away from the constant reminder of YOU. No matter what, I somehow can't forget you. But I know, someone so kind and wonderful deserves a better history, a better friend, and childhood, than I—something so tainted and unwanted. I-I'm actually glad you found your calling and new life Jordan," she lowers her voice, "but please, leave me be, to my beautiful, wonderful fantasy that I conjured up. Leave me be to my wonderful delusion."

"I see. In that case, I'll leave you alone, but I never stopped thinking about you. When you left, I was heartbroken."

She looks down.

I turn and walk for the door, "Goodbye then, Phantasia Skye," I whisper as I turn the knob.

I could hear a faint sound behind me, "Goodbye Jordan Maron. Forever."

I close the door behind me, knowing that this is one silent promise that won't be broken.


	6. Remember?

_A/N: Finale._

_Chapter Six_

I walk to the mirror hanging in the bathroom. Somehow I feel compelled to find the distorted figure staring back at me.

_You did well, Phanty._

"It was only because of you. If you weren't there telling me what to say, I would have melted at his gaze."

_You always loved that boy didn't you?_

"No, I didn't. I realized only after he was gone, or I suppose, after I disappeared."

_Doesn't mean you didn't love him._

"Who are you anyways?"

_I think, therefore I am. Tell me, do you know who said that? Socrates. It's the truth isn't it? Although, shouldn't your existence be determined by how well you make decisions though? If you don't make any decisions, how can you assess how well you think? What you think about? How about even, if you think at all. Only if you think can you come to a conclusion, a conclusion is needed to create a decision to act on. Tell me, throughout these years, how many decisions did you make?_

"Well, moving away from Santa Barbara, enrolling in M.I.T. The courses, to take chemical engineering, and to dabber in nuclear sciences," only now do I realize that I'm speaking aloud to the reflection, and that the reflection actually seems to be talking back.

_Don't even try to pretend those were your decisions, Phanty; everyone else, but you, made those decisions. Your mother was the one that urged you to go to M.I.T., and you decided to follow in your father's footsteps by taking chemical engineering. Miss Skye, you literally have no interest in chemical engineering at all._

"You're lying."

_I don't have the capability to lie._

"You're lying."

_Stop being irrational._

"YOU'RE LYING."

_You don't have any right to ye—_

"SHUT UP. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" I scream at the top of my lungs and punch the mirror, repeatedly, until the motherfucking reflection could no longer be seen through the cracks.

_You have always revered science about all else. Why are you acting so unnatural as to destroy this lovely mirror? It hasn't done anything to you._

"I exist. I know I exist. I have to. I-I exist." I'm trembling. I'm cold. Why am I so cold? I can't feel my hands

_Prove it._

"How the FUCK do I prove I exist, oh omnipotent figure?"

_Make a decision._

"What decision? How can I make a decision?"

_Pick up that knife you have in your drawer, and decide to carve something._

"Carve what where?"

_Haha, Phanty, we both know the obvious answer to both those questions. It's not like the existence of that knife, and the usage of it, hidden in the cupboards, behind all your junk is any mystery to you._

That was definitely the truth. "If that is what constitutes as a decision, then haven't I already made one, or two?"

The figure laughs again. Violently, like a storm. _Those two words carved onto you, they were not optional, and you know that. You couldn't live without the reminder of those two words, echoing in your mind everyday; a constant battle within your soulless being, a battle that would never cease._

I look at the words. I can feel the scars burning into my skin. The coarseness of my body, trying to repair my damage, was all too familiar at the touch. Two words that literally meant everything to me. _Reality—_gripping me from the side, never letting go of the left arm that it possesses. It always pulled me back when I was in too deep. Me, who always wanted to believe my lies so badly that my mind would sometimes convince the rest of "me" that it was actually the truth, reality pulled me back, back to the world.

The second word, always supporting me from the bottom, my right leg, the only reason why I haven't collapsed—_Delusion—_something I was just, rightfully, accused of living in. When my world collapsed in front of my eyes, this lie, was the only thing that kept me going; the only thing convinced me to throw away everything that I was and become somebody else.

"There's nothing else required to be carved onto my skin."

_How about that one something, or someone, that is at the centre of it all, That which you look back to in reality, and what you run away from in your delusion. How about the one thing, that belongs right in the heart._

My hands tighten around the knife I retrieved, shaking.

_It will feel good. Trust me._

I raise it to my chest, the centre, lightly placing it on my skin.

_It will be perfect._

The first feeling is always pain, a gentle stinging, if that exists. The second is relief. There's nothing more calming, more soothing, than watching hot red liquid spill out of your own body. I pull it downward, to the same horizontal plane as my first rib. Then I create a curve, to the right, and up one-quarter of the way, creating a perfect "J". My vision is already blurring and I feel faint, I realized I must have hit multiple arteries from all the blood dripping out of me. With my last ounce of strength, I push the knife into my chest, until I can feel the metal hilt on my skin.

I can't see much other than red. Red everywhere. It's almost, nostalgic. Sometime, somewhere in the past, I feel like I was in the same exact position, lying down; except this one feels different, more serene perhaps. I can't remember where exactly I was like this though. I can't remember. Who. What. Where. When. How. Why. It's all so meaningless now.

"P-Phanty?" Is that actually a person?

I can almost feel this persons touch. Familiar. So familiar and warm.

"I've already said my goodbyes."


End file.
